A change.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

A warm fuzzy welcome back Brendon

Goodness, look 2years have past since i last visited my blog. My blog was restricted and blocked off to anyone simply because i felt i had nothing interesting to offer to my fellow readers.

Today 12april2012 marks almost 2years and 6months since my last post. Those 2years sure do fly by quick. Today i just received my NS/Army letter regarding my medical check up, and honestly i feel like its a new beginning, an end to all the fucked up things that has happened to me in the past years. However, i cant help but still be occupied by the fact that i withdrew from Architecture course from SP. I am not proud of sharing this information with anyone whatsoever. Its that feeling of disappointment, guilt and embarrassment whenever i talk about my 'studies' especially to my family and friends. It is not easy i tell you.

Recently it has come to my realization that i havent been living my life to the fullest. I have always been afraid of doing so. And it has come to a point, i am turning 21 this 2012, that i am filled with so much self hate that i now feel like giving up on life. Was i being too dramatic? Insensible? I feel as though my friends are doing well and i am not. In simple terms, i am Lost.

What do i do now to make up for all the disappointment that i have made due to my misjudge of self-capability. Maybe i could have excelled, but i slacked off way too much by playing maplestory thinking that things will fit together after a session of gaming. I swear gaming is just so time consuming, life absorbing, literally a sponge on life just that one dont realise it until later.

It takes a lot to pull away from playing maplestory especially hardest when you know theres so many virtual 'events' going on in the game. I want to quit mapling and get a move on in life! I mean it- but when?? Reality check, life is so much more meaningful if people like me werent so scared to live it. To be totally honest here, and i feel i should be, i think i need someone preferably a partner to motivate,push me and encourage me to do stuff i normally would not have dared to.

[b] fast forward 20 years, i will be 40. Scary thought.

Monday, October 5, 2009

-A Fresh week-

Anyway. I was up at 230am.
Now it is close to 5am.
Im still up.

Just played a bit of game, video watching to kill time.
I am just feeling awkward.

Yesterday night, i dream of xytb, kind of ... you know...
Yesterday was 3rd of October. I went to meet you. Had dinner, which was my first time trying penang laska. :P
Got to say it is some damn good laska. The gravy was thick, had many ingredients in it, adding up to the awesome taste that normal katong laska from Holland Village doesnt have. I know they both are different kind of laska though.

We had our chit chat, you told me about your travelling sotries, which made me kind of jealous, because i want to travel too, one day. The day started out fine, i must say better than the first time we met. OK, whatever, what i have i typed down here is not going to be read by you, but by others. LOL

Overall, i had a wonderful time with you, though many bloody fucking phone calls by my mom, disturbing, asking me to return home. Time was definitely not enough. I wished i could be more open, free ( in the sense of freedom to go out ), and less shy around your presence.
Like come on, i have known you for close to a month already, i should at least loosen up.

Thats my disadvantage.

[b] i am so upset.. in myself.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

-Revamp-

Recover fast. Change quick!

I need a life makeover.

My mind's messed up with thoughts that i need someone to read my mind, and tell me what i should do, cause i myself cant express HOW i feel.

Complicated, on the bright side, my life isnt that complicated compared to other people.

And whatever it is i am feeling, i need to remove them.

[b] So weird.. Are we still as close as before? Thats my only concern.

Monday, September 28, 2009

-Interesting..-

Should i, Should i not?
Do i want it? Is it worth it?

Im questioning myself.
Ill give myself sometime to think over this.

[b] lying is wrong, but what can i do?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

-A little way too much-

Okay~ There is significance why i had a post filled the date "26 September 2009".

Certainly a date to remember.

I shall keep the details with me.

I had a fun time, and lets put it that way.

But, somehow, after yesterday, i am beginning to feel quite uneasy.

Is it me, being too paranoid?

I can never tell.

However, yesterday spent with you felt warm, great and i did not feel weird, it felt so right.

*and i just saw you online!! OMFG, im so glad to see you*

[b] I was feeling all emo, until i saw you XD

-Appetite, Lost-

26 September 2009

Thursday, September 24, 2009

-Look right through me-

Now now darling babies :)

I dont think i will be posting till like next month, i might drop by blogger to post whenever there is news. Daily posts gets rather boring, as i always find myself cracking my brain. Writing isn't my strength. I am trying to improve on that, since last year XP

My life changed. I want to change. I want to break free - freedom.

It is about time.

I believe in miracles.

[b] ooooo baby.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

-Help me-

Ok, first things first. I might have just made my impression on you, bad.
One thing lead to another matter, and the conversation turned negative. GOSH!

Im sorry for what i have said, i am feeling horrible. Like what you mentioned, nobody is perfect..
I believe that phrase so much, that i want to try to make things perfect. LOL.
How stupid of me.

I dont think i want to make the situation any worse than it is. I will let things cool between us, because i do not want my emotions to overtake my mind, where i begin to say things i should not have.

[b] How silly could i have been
We need some space for the mean time~