A change.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

A warm fuzzy welcome back Brendon

Goodness, look 2years have past since i last visited my blog. My blog was restricted and blocked off to anyone simply because i felt i had nothing interesting to offer to my fellow readers.

Today 12april2012 marks almost 2years and 6months since my last post. Those 2years sure do fly by quick. Today i just received my NS/Army letter regarding my medical check up, and honestly i feel like its a new beginning, an end to all the fucked up things that has happened to me in the past years. However, i cant help but still be occupied by the fact that i withdrew from Architecture course from SP. I am not proud of sharing this information with anyone whatsoever. Its that feeling of disappointment, guilt and embarrassment whenever i talk about my 'studies' especially to my family and friends. It is not easy i tell you.

Recently it has come to my realization that i havent been living my life to the fullest. I have always been afraid of doing so. And it has come to a point, i am turning 21 this 2012, that i am filled with so much self hate that i now feel like giving up on life. Was i being too dramatic? Insensible? I feel as though my friends are doing well and i am not. In simple terms, i am Lost.

What do i do now to make up for all the disappointment that i have made due to my misjudge of self-capability. Maybe i could have excelled, but i slacked off way too much by playing maplestory thinking that things will fit together after a session of gaming. I swear gaming is just so time consuming, life absorbing, literally a sponge on life just that one dont realise it until later.

It takes a lot to pull away from playing maplestory especially hardest when you know theres so many virtual 'events' going on in the game. I want to quit mapling and get a move on in life! I mean it- but when?? Reality check, life is so much more meaningful if people like me werent so scared to live it. To be totally honest here, and i feel i should be, i think i need someone preferably a partner to motivate,push me and encourage me to do stuff i normally would not have dared to.

[b] fast forward 20 years, i will be 40. Scary thought.

Monday, October 5, 2009

-A Fresh week-

Anyway. I was up at 230am.
Now it is close to 5am.
Im still up.

Just played a bit of game, video watching to kill time.
I am just feeling awkward.

Yesterday night, i dream of xytb, kind of ... you know...
Yesterday was 3rd of October. I went to meet you. Had dinner, which was my first time trying penang laska. :P
Got to say it is some damn good laska. The gravy was thick, had many ingredients in it, adding up to the awesome taste that normal katong laska from Holland Village doesnt have. I know they both are different kind of laska though.

We had our chit chat, you told me about your travelling sotries, which made me kind of jealous, because i want to travel too, one day. The day started out fine, i must say better than the first time we met. OK, whatever, what i have i typed down here is not going to be read by you, but by others. LOL

Overall, i had a wonderful time with you, though many bloody fucking phone calls by my mom, disturbing, asking me to return home. Time was definitely not enough. I wished i could be more open, free ( in the sense of freedom to go out ), and less shy around your presence.
Like come on, i have known you for close to a month already, i should at least loosen up.

Thats my disadvantage.

[b] i am so upset.. in myself.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

-Revamp-

Recover fast. Change quick!

I need a life makeover.

My mind's messed up with thoughts that i need someone to read my mind, and tell me what i should do, cause i myself cant express HOW i feel.

Complicated, on the bright side, my life isnt that complicated compared to other people.

And whatever it is i am feeling, i need to remove them.

[b] So weird.. Are we still as close as before? Thats my only concern.

Monday, September 28, 2009

-Interesting..-

Should i, Should i not?
Do i want it? Is it worth it?

Im questioning myself.
Ill give myself sometime to think over this.

[b] lying is wrong, but what can i do?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

-A little way too much-

Okay~ There is significance why i had a post filled the date "26 September 2009".

Certainly a date to remember.

I shall keep the details with me.

I had a fun time, and lets put it that way.

But, somehow, after yesterday, i am beginning to feel quite uneasy.

Is it me, being too paranoid?

I can never tell.

However, yesterday spent with you felt warm, great and i did not feel weird, it felt so right.

*and i just saw you online!! OMFG, im so glad to see you*

[b] I was feeling all emo, until i saw you XD

-Appetite, Lost-

26 September 2009

Thursday, September 24, 2009

-Look right through me-

Now now darling babies :)

I dont think i will be posting till like next month, i might drop by blogger to post whenever there is news. Daily posts gets rather boring, as i always find myself cracking my brain. Writing isn't my strength. I am trying to improve on that, since last year XP

My life changed. I want to change. I want to break free - freedom.

It is about time.

I believe in miracles.

[b] ooooo baby.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

-Help me-

Ok, first things first. I might have just made my impression on you, bad.
One thing lead to another matter, and the conversation turned negative. GOSH!

Im sorry for what i have said, i am feeling horrible. Like what you mentioned, nobody is perfect..
I believe that phrase so much, that i want to try to make things perfect. LOL.
How stupid of me.

I dont think i want to make the situation any worse than it is. I will let things cool between us, because i do not want my emotions to overtake my mind, where i begin to say things i should not have.

[b] How silly could i have been
We need some space for the mean time~

Saturday, September 19, 2009

-Desperado-

Ok, I think im pulling myself off as being too desperate.

It is time to give you some space:)

Anyway. Just a quick random update and a note for myself.

Brendon... I know you like the person, crying, saying you are crying to that person,.. is like another option for that person to dislike you. Being over exaggerated, dramatic, but YOU(not me) got to know that this feelings are real, and not some fake shit :P

I will take whatever comes, like really. Im not going to go so gugu-gaga over you, or maybe to a limit. I can sense im pulling the wrong chord in you. Nevertheless, im gonna try not to pour my emotions onto you.

[b] Thats all really... Just miss you that much, that much.

Friday, September 18, 2009

-For change!-

I swear! By next week, my lifestyle for my holidays, will be altered! Maybe not be as simple as going to some alteration shop, asking to alter the length of sleeve or pants and then just pay for it.

I dont care!! I need to change. Especially if i really want to keep you..

It is a personal choice to change. I feel i need to change, and i will use you as a source of motivation. I cant stand to lose someone like you, even more so when i am already swept away by that tidal-love wave. I really want to be with you,.. will it come true? Will that dream, fantasy eventually come? I think it will all be based on next week, monday 21.09.09. (omg, is it a public holiday?) DAMN. Im already losing the drive to do so. Wtfreak. All that adrenaline for nothing.

Yesterday's webcam session was a great way to end the day. I know it was the same for you. Your smile never seem mundane,.. I wish i was there. When will i be!!? I feel as though time is running out. You asked me out this saturday, tomorrow 19.09.09. I dont want to spoil the "fun". Neither do i want to fall in too deep, even when i know it is a fact that i want to.

Never Mind! I will be patient, and hope you will. I dont want to make me look like an easy prey.. :P

[b] I want you badly

Thursday, September 17, 2009

-Upset-

Apparently i was NOT chosen to present. Sob sob. HAHA

Its whatever. Maybe my presentation board isnt good enough to show.

Like what Mr Chieu smsed me on that day. Only those who scored A+ need to present.

Oh yea?

Only A+?

Kiss my ass la.

But anyway, i was pretty bumped out.

This is the Suppose finished presentation board.

Would i have the chance to present with this nicely done board?

Anyway. I should be grateful. But im kind of jealous... I shan't elaborate.

Happy stuff:

Ilikeit! Wes gave it to me;)

Thanks once again.

Semi-happy stuff: My mind's still not functioning well. It has been almost one week/or less..

Still overly thinking about you. Its beyond anything i have experienced within my 18 years. :D

Im glad i have close friends to share this with.

-Need i say more?-

One "hi" and all it took. I still remember that day. It was only just a few days ago. 4 or 5 days ago if i am not wrong. That was all it took. You made me dump my past crushes, brainwashed me, swept me off my feet and had more coming when we first webcam together.

I must be dreaming. I really must have been dreaming i told myself. Nevertheless, your charm was surely beaming throughout that 30 minutes we spent staring at each other. I fell in love. We smiled, laughed, like we knew one another for years. I told you i was shaking, nervousness probably, and you said why are you shaking..? Those words... made me calm my nerves down.

I am not trying to deny my emotions for you. I was pretty open with my feelings and thoughts of you that i made it almost quite clear i liked you.

Is it fate that we met? I feel it is so, somehow.

I always await smses from you. You're busy at work, i feel like you are over stressing. I try my best to help, but i always seem to fail in doing so. You wait for me to come online on msn and vice versa. I can tear up just thinking of you. I have never been that sensitive to love.

I could not sleep the whole of yesterday until the last few minutes of desperation to catch some sleep which was around 5am. I was thinking, thinking and thinking.. Mind in a mess, totally troubled, tossing and turning in bed. Then today, you told you too also had trouble sleeping. Maybe you were caught up with work in mind, maybe you were also "troubled" with what i was troubling with. I believe what you told me, and it had me saying to myself, maybe there is something occurring..

Ok, im trying hard to hold back tears right now.. wtfreak

Anyway. Time for up-to-date blog. I went out today with dearest Wes.

I just needed to get out of the house, because being at home was somehow stressing me. Mind is filled. So whatever. I went to ask my mom if i could go out. Then off i went to meet him at dover station, to Douby Ghaut. We had at least 3 hours to catch up with our lives. I think this time we were really spontaneous. I had many juicy news for him, and i was eager to let it all go.

Chatted. Subway sandwiches for dinner ( awesome ). I missed him. Its like, we get to meet once every so often. Really intimate talks this time round. HAHA.

G-force was supposedly the choice of movie to watch. So yea. I wanted to catch the "Final Destination 3D" but i was told it was not good and nothing special, and i also could find the movie online, although the quality sucks! "G-Force" turned into our word today:D

*Oh yea, i saw one my school's lecturers at Cathay.. Dont know who he was, so didnt say hello:I*

Same situation i had when watching 3D movies. I wear 2 glasses. Other people also had 2 on, so i didnt feel im alone.

Overall, movie was rather a 6.5/6 out of 10.. Am i being too harsh? Ok, maybe a 8/8.5 out of 10 for the graphics. The movie was just simply guinea pigs trying to save the world, along that line one way or another. The Guinea pigs are rather very cute.

After the movie, Wes and i headed back to plaza singapura, because he was hungry, due to the early dinner of subway.

Top floor, food court. We just so happened to be sitting a few meters away from " Pepper Lunch Express" .. and you know they have those big BIG Tvs showing how to cook the food..

then someone came to settle down a table next to us, with his hot plate from Pepper Lunch....

Imagine this.. The sizzling sound from the Tv, smell from the guy's late dinner, made our mouth water. =.=

We only had dessert from there..

*OMG. Thanks WESLEY! I wasnt expecting you to give me a gift! Gaahh! Im so surprized! OMGOMGOMGOMG. Thankyousomuch! <3

Im currently stuck with nothing to write. All i can think of is you! I hope i can rest well today/tonight. Is badminton still on tomorrow?

Anyway. I REALLY LIKE YOU SO MUCH. Gosh. tearing up again! :'-I

Byee

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

-Swept-

Meow Chieu People!

SWEPT. One word! Swept i tell you!
Swept off my feet. Swept off my chair. Swept my heart.
Nevertheless, im still trying to control. Control my urge. Control.

I really enjoy seeing you! Turned into a daily-must-do-thing from day one. I just dont want to be broken. Im not perfect. But you're so perfect to me. I just want to that one for you. Gosh. I know im talking to air.

Anyway. A lazy day to begin with. Tomorrow im heading to school, maybe for a presentation. Im ready! Bring it on. Choose me. :P

Short update. [I need to increase my vocabulary]

Reciprocate : to respond/give feedback? :D

Monday, September 14, 2009

-Meow Chieu-

Meow Chieu people! :D:D:D

Random~ Meeeeeow~

-Amazing Blog i have~-

I have this HDB wall mural thing to do. Due this wednesday. wtf.

Date-line is only 2 days away. Hmmmph!

Whatever it is, im just going to do a good job. At least have my drawing WOW-ed at. :P

Cracking my mind. Thinking. Coming up with ideas ( in my head ). Squeezing some creative juice, currently running low on time at the moment.

Im a meticulous person. A perfectionist. I have split personality. I love last minute work, but hate it a LOT more. Im a person jumbled up with many other characters. I can be drunk-crazy or dead-serious. @.@ Im a hard-worker with an attitude and characteristics of a lazy person. I have no self-motivation, unless due date is a day away. If im a king, i would king of procrastination. The queen of sleeping. The prince of gaming. The princess of whatever.

Sometimes i regret opening my mouth, especially to my mom. I wish to slap myself in the face, roll my eyes as hard as i can, shake my head. Although it is good to open up, sometimes we need to learn something, a word, an acronym: STFU!

Heee~ * did i type all that?! *

-Im falling.. fallen-

Once again... Hellopeopleinthevirtualworld! What is up?! Late night, sleepless night. Not sleepless per se. Just body clock, totally shifted off the edge. Night becomes my day, day becomes my official night. Jet lag in the wrong way some more. Silly me.

Anyway. I think it is like another one of those times when i find myself falling for someone. Like the chat was definitely not dry, certainly felt as though there was a connection going on. Nevertheless, that someone already has someone. Would i say its a competition? Or would it be like normal? I cant tell. But no matter what it is, even if im accepted or not, flow along~.

I cant be falling for that someone just yet right? I havent met that someone for real.
Behind our screens, we certainly have that back and forth communication. Which is a good sign. Maybe im paranoid. Maybe im not. Maybe im just too easily swept off my feet by anyone that is attractive to me.

I want to be that perfect fit. The one that someone would go all crossed-eyed over and drool. Thats life..

So be it. Have it your way~
[b]oss me not.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

-MY OLD BLOGSKIN BACK!-

Hmm, yesterday blogger was fine. Today blogger gone nuts.
Whatever it is. I am glad i manage to copy and paste back my old blogskin!
Now, i feel it is more me, but, somehow i am think of editing the the html such that the "body" which the posts, are in the middle, and the rest are pushed to the top.

GUESS WHAT?? Sony Ericssion W902 is like no longer in production.. wtf?
I thought it was one of the latest phone out there. wtf.
And like. I had been eyeing that particular model for the first time i saw it. wtf.
Now, im looking for that model? Its no longer in phase. wtf.

ohwells. I still love my old W810i <3
Best phone i have. EVER. Period!

Bloggers nut, Brendon's shocked!
Nothing much to add.

Just another quicky update.

**ok..~ The internet connection broke just a few seconds back. I thought i lost all my text i typed. Luckily it didnt. And the exciting part. Blogger is fine now. LOL. All the icons are there.**

thats so random.

suicidal thoughts

Hello bitches~

Anyway, let me start of by giving myself a warm welcome back hug! 3 months of no post, must have been dead boring for you people who come to visit, hoping i update~ Fear not, i am back, for today! HAHA

So far school life, life isn't that bad. Like personally, my last few weeks in school before the holidays were like ... i cant explain. I was switched on to Zombie mode. Sleeping in the morning, trying to finished up my project! I think those late nights have really affected me. I cant sleep early anymore. wtf.

>Heads up : I cried when i did not know how to use photoshop. I broke down, cried during the last few hours before "submission". Thankfully, submission date that day, was postponed!

My first suicidal thoughts happened then! I felt it was surely worse than my O level Art last year. OMG. But of course, everything last minute is fucking bad. AND AND my photoshop skills are so lousy, i was so embarrassed to show my stuff in front of the lecturers and friends! damn..

Ohyea. Stupid blog. I hate this blog, my blog! So ugly!!! At first it was not bad, since i almost edited the html to my likings. However, now i cant seem to copy and paste the html back. Grrrr. Miserable. So, i am trying to personalize this particular html, the COMMON template........ its hard!

What i have been doing............ Pictures? want...?

Ok, so this is my first try, my OFFICIAL presentation board.. SO fugly!!

Fuck, then i ran out of time, then 2 layers were over lapping. WTFFFFFFFFFFF

If given at least 10 minutes, i would have made it more presentable, however still ugly.. like EEEEWWWW..

Anyway, Given the time to play around with functions, i think i would have done this. Showed my sister, she was like, still not good..

So, ok, its not fantastic.

Boards were 2 A1..

I did it.. All on my own.. *im so proud of the fact i treated this as an individual project without much lecturers help*

Grades are ok.. But photoshop wise.. I was given a "B"...

Bye. this is weird....

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

-Goal accomplished!-

Update ONE :

We were on our way to visit Grandma. ( Sis, me and mum )

Then we stop over at the Holland Village Mini shopping mall. That building with the Wind mill..

Anyway, my mum went to drop her shoes at the cobbler there, so my sister and i went to sit down at the Yakun Kaya tables...

Guessed what we saw? It was like gold~ like I could see a spotlight shining down onto it, luring me towards it, yet still have second thoughts, BECAUSE someone LEFT 3 perfectly all right kaya sandwiches on a plate! WTFF?

3 perfect kaya sandwiches!!

So, whatever la, we just took it. *yum*

See that empty red plate above the right coffee cup?

That was where the sandwiches were before i snatched them.

*so wasteful*..

See me cuddling the sandwich.

See, i adopted my darlings..

(Background shows the the picture above...)

Sigh~

Ate it, and i have no stomach ache^^.

Update TWO :

My at last goal has been reached.

Not in real life though, YET!

I FINALLY ATTAINED one million FOR AN audition SONG be my lover!!

Those golden numbers~

My chains are pathetic, but it was a shocking result.

I was lagging like crazy, ... and i thought i wouldn't make it, because i was not on par with everyone else..

Luckily, after everybody had stopped, i was still dancing my way to a million~

(see the 2nd player, less miss... but i have more Perfects - Grins - )

Anyway, it is this type of once-in-a-life-time experience.

And im glad to have finally, bloody hell finally touch the edge of it.

OVERALL :

These past few days, im glad to have gone through it.. I bet no one will like what i have been through, especially when it is something you still keep to yourself......

Wasting of food, I have no comments, maybe they should have thought of taking those sandwiches away? Its only sandwich.. :P

( Hehe, shall not write further, later there might be people who feel insulted )

Audition goal, this was rather unexpected. So yea. Have faith, and learn to chance 6 especially u Stella... HAHA

And to dearest Welly, im preying on you!

*he made me feel bad when i said " ill try put your name ...*

( Hope you feel extremely overwhelmed after seeing your Wonderful name appear in this post.)

For the Other dearest, can we meet up? LOL *very random of me*

Post also running long..

bYe~

Friday, June 19, 2009

-Effing mind your business..!-

I have 2 MAJOR ranting to do, right here, right now!

MUMMY stop snooping around my personal stuff!!!!!

GOD~!

WTF! I DONT GO AROUND SEARCHING THROUGH YOUR MESSAGES DO I????

CANT YOU JUST KEEP YOUR ITCHING FINGERS OFF MY STUFF?

REALLY CAN NOT BELIEVE IT leh.

I WENT DOWN TO BUY FOOD, CAME BACK, ONLY TO BE QUESTIONED BY YOU ABOUT WHO THAT PERSON IS MESSAGING ME THROUGH MY PHONE. IS IT YOUR PROBLEM?

SO BLOODY HELL SICKENING!

Anyway~ i feel as though my person belongings have been stolen.....

eff la.

Cant believe this happened today.

2ND rant.

This isnt as bad ass as the first rant. Still can tahan..

Today i went out to meet my friends in school for a weekly game of badminton.

Came home, only to nagged non-stop, for playing even with my ankle not entirely healed..

My mom thinks i was like jumping and running... when in fact i was only standing and maybe a time to time stretching from one end of the court to the other.

>.<"

Whats worst is my mom COMPLAINed to my aunt!!

WTF??!??!?!?!!?!!

Anyway~ I can not be bothered to write further. All the rage is boiling within!

Fuck! Wth!

Please. Do not go through my things again!

Arghhhh..